Tuesday, January 01, 2008
have you ever had someone give up hope on you? have you ever had someone compare you to other people? have you ever had someone call you a jinx and made you believe it your whole life? have you ever felt so alone in this world? you will never understand how i feel. i don't think you ever can. i told someone before you taught me how to be happy. but then happiness is short-lived. and the times without happiness are very long. if that's the case then i think if i never knew the meaning of happiness, my life would be so much more peaceful. it was to be sleep over tomorrow. it was to be a good new year filled with smiles and love. it was to be. i think the reason why i never really fully understood how one can be filled with so much positive feelings, is because i never believed they could really exist. and when i felt that i was in bliss, the moments were far too short to capture. in contrast, i remember every bit of how my heart was stung and every point of time. i know now i will and can never fully trust someone. and as i realise, i can't even trust me. what should have been could never have been. i told steph yesterday he makes me happy; i'm really happy when im with him. steph, it was an unknown lie. i never really understood the meaning of happy. i remember every word that was said to me, and i remember that every word was meant. i admit defeat with shame. because i fought so hard to prove myself, prove my worth, to be where i am today. but the words that were said still haunt me every single day. i don't hate anymore, but i don't love too. so when you said you loved me 3 hours ago. did it ever occur to you that you were lying? that was why my heart cried with pain. because as much as i wanted it to be true, as much as i had done all i could for so many years, you would never love me. like it was said long time ago -- i'm a jinx, the bad luck baby.
- everything's just temporary;
2:53 AM
